Project: Me

These past couple of months I've been working on a project: me. This past year has brought a lot of change into my life. I think I've been through every emotion in the book! After months of wondering why my life seemed to always be heading downhill and feeling like nothing ever turned out right I made a horrible realization. With all that was going on in my life, I had put God on the back burner. My relationship with Christ was weak as I had practically shoved him aside for the past year or two. Sure I still believed, and claimed to still hold my Christian faith, but that is as far as it went for me. I was in horrible need of my savior and let my pride get in the way of acknowledging that fact.

What a horrible way to live-that is without Christ. I have friends that are firm in their faith and I also have friends that claim to not believe that such a God exists. The latter of the two absolutely breaks my heart. It hurts mostly to think that maybe if I had just been a little nicer or talked to them more about my Jesus, that maybe they would turn to him and accept him into their lives. However I am not naive, I know The Lord gave us free will and sometimes no matter how you lead the horse to water, it can still refuse to drink. I am still determined to become a light in the lives of others even if I lose some friends in the process.

Sometimes I think it takes a horrible instance in your life to humble yourself and break down. I had such a breakdown about two weeks ago when I felt my life heading in a downward spiral. For those who don't personally know me, I was working as a server up until a little over a month ago when some issues were going down at my job. I felt stuck. I was being overworked, underpaid (literally), and when I found out a few other things were going down there that did not sit well with my conscience I began to pray and really rethink my position. For moral reasons I walked out one night after my shift and never went back. I felt at the moment it was what I needed to do and since I was doing it for moral reasons and "the right reasons" I knew deep down that God had my back. Now, I would never suggest leaving a job unless you have another one lined up. I just firmly believe things can be circumstantial at times and when that happens seek out your faith and pray. After a few weeks went by I grew weary of job hunting and nothing turning out in my favor. I kept praying and asking God "if you are for me then why do all these people seem to be against me?" I felt as though my world was crumbling around me. I am 23 years old. I have no college degree, no money and a 3 year old to provide for. Ultimately I began to resent my decision to leave my job in moments of weakness. I began to question God and my conscience and now that I look back at how I questioned him, I feel ashamed. Every Christian or even non Christian will have their moments of disbelief even if it's only for a second. Unfortunately, it's human nature. Sometimes when things aren't going our way we blame him for not immediately coming to our rescue. We live in a world today that is all about instant gratification, and when our God doesn't immediately respond to our prayers, or fix our problems for us, we want to throw tantrums like a toddler. This brings me to a verse that has always been my favorite, especially in times I'm feeling negative and broken. 

Lamentations 3:28-30:

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself, enter the silence, bow in prayer. Don't ask questions, wait for hope to appear. Don't hide from trouble, take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst.

We all will get into ruts and have breakdowns, that's normal, if not necessary at times to cry or scream or express our pain. God is always listening. It took me a giant sized meltdown and then humbling myself in the middle of the night, when I could no longer sleep due to the stress, and crying out for Jesus. It's amazing how incredible and positive I felt the next morning. Time spent with God is never a waste. My mom always told me if you can't sleep at night that may just be God wanting your attention. I awoke feeling renewed and hopeful, something I hadn't felt in months. It didn't take long to feel some direction and with a lot of prayers from friends and family I slowly felt myself being pulled from my rut. I was blessed with a job offer at a great company come next week and I am looking into getting back to school. God can give you an amazing outlook on life f you let him work on your heart. It all just begins with a "Dear Jesus...". We're all a work in progress even those that seem to have it all together. I know I will continue to be a work in progress the rest of my life, and I'm happy with that. Stay tuned!

xoxo, Rachel